Three months later, we were pregnant again. Currently I am almost 26 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl and I could not be more grateful. But I will always wonder what our first baby was, wonder what they looked like, what they sounded like and what they would grow up to be. I will always wonder what went wrong and why us. I will never forget the early morning I woke up to delivering my baby. I went to the bathroom and there it was. I instantly broke down, fell to my knees, cried like I've never cried before, broken like I've never been broken before, more angry then I've ever been. Having to put everything that passed into a sandwich baggie and head to the hospital for the second day in a row. I remember how busy the waiting room was, and kids were screaming and crying. I started crying at the sight of a pregnant mom, babies, any children at all. I remember them asking me why I was there and having to answer, "I miscarried my baby this morning." 

I'm not trying to be gory or make this hard to read, I'm just pouring out how I felt and still feel. I will forever be so grateful for the week Shae and I shared knowing about our little secret. We were so unbelievably excited. It is crazy how fast things change, you have this amazing week of planning nurseries and gender reveals and talking about names and then morning comes and you go about your day like normal and there it is... the blood. To say the next few days were easy is an understatement. The fear of what is to come and not having any control to stop what is inevitable. Wanting to scream at your body to stop and just let things be okay, but not being able to do anything but wait and grieve and worst of all, let go.


July 9, 2016
To any of you who have gone through this, are going through this, or may go through this in the future, you are not alone. I promise you aren't. I remember feeling so alone because nobody around me had gone through it. Nobody talked about it. I felt like my husband wasn't understanding. The pain I was experiencing physically and emotionally was something I swear I could never bear again. But I promise you will get through it. You will.

To my first baby A,
I only wish you were here meeting me for the first time, being held by two parents who love you more than you will ever know. You gave me and your dad so much excitement and love in only a single week, but you will always continue to be loved. I love you so much and I can't wait to meet you one day.



I still have our announcement onesie in my nightstand along with the pregnancy test I took. I will keep this onesie forever and squeeze it tight whenever I pull it out. I used to look at it and only cry, but since then it has gotten me through some pretty tough days. So thank you. We will always love you.