Calista Marie: March 2017

25 Weeks Pregnant Update

25 weeks Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Hey guys! I'm back with another pregnancy update this week for my 25th week of pregnancy. Time is flying by. We are only 99 days away from our due date, only 41ish days away from moving back to the PNW!

How far along? 25w + 6d!

Total weight gain/loss: As far as I know, 10lbs. I try not to weigh myself until my appointments. Honestly it could be higher though.

Maternity clothes? Oh my god you guys, I bought my first pair of maternity jeans and I don't think I can ever go back to regular jeans!! Shae and I were at the mall browsing and I decided to go into motherhood maternity (I always refused to go in thinking they were way too expensive, but surprisingly they weren't all that expensive!). I also bought an olive green t-shirt.

Stretch marks? None! I got this body oil in my last bump box I got, and I've been mixing it with my Mama Bee's stretch mark cream and I really like the consistency and hydration it gives me. So let's see if it holds strong for a few more months.

Sleep: I really struggled this last week with sleep. With the back pain, having to pee, and the day light savings time change, it's been really messing with me!

Symptoms: Back pain in my lower back, mid back and upper back; I dry-heaved a few times this week from smells; overall just tired and cranky.

Have you told family and friends: Who even are you if you don't know I'm pregnant by now? Haha! Kidding, but a lady at work told me she didn't even know I was pregnant until this week because I wasn't showing.

Miss Anything? An alcoholic drink and being able to get comfortable. Man do I miss that.

Movement: She is quite the active little thing in there! :)

Food cravings: I was craving an ice cream cone like you wouldn't believe Monday night.

Anything making you queasy or sick: The sight of my fridge, honestly. There is nothing in there that is bad but every morning the sight of it makes me sick.

Have you started to show yet: YES.

Gender prediction: She is still very much a girl!

Ultrasound Update: We haven't had an ultrasound since I was 20weeks but we had a doctor appointment at 24 weeks and she had a strong heart beat of 158. I am getting so anxious to schedule our 3D/4D ultrasound in a few weeks!

Labor Signs: No thank goodness! I keep waiting for Braxton Hicks contractions but still none!

Belly Button in or out? In but it is making it's way to the outside world.

Wedding rings on or off? On - I think I will cry if and when the day comes I can't put them on!

Happy or Moody most of the time: Very happy but incredibly cranky :(

Looking forward to: My mom getting here in 3 weeks and our 3D/4D ultrasound after that!

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I will always love you.

miscarriage Tuesday, March 14, 2017

March 14, 2017. The due date of our first baby. I never thought this day would come so fast. My heart breaks knowing that we could have a baby already with us. It makes me angry that every single time I go to the doctors I have to say that I have been pregnant twice but have no living children. I am angry at myself for refusing to believe I was pregnant in the beginning, refusing to take a test, taking ibuprofen every morning before clinicals because of the light cramps I was having thinking I was about to get hit hard with excruciating cramps from starting my period. I just kept putting it off. Finally when I did take the test on July 9th 2016, and I got to experience a positive pregnancy test for the first time, I cried. I was so excited for something that wasn't planned. I loved something that I didn't even know about until that very second. And it was all taken away the very next week.

Three months later, we were pregnant again. Currently I am almost 26 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl and I could not be more grateful. But I will always wonder what our first baby was, wonder what they looked like, what they sounded like and what they would grow up to be. I will always wonder what went wrong and why us. I will never forget the early morning I woke up to delivering my baby. I went to the bathroom and there it was. I instantly broke down, fell to my knees, cried like I've never cried before, broken like I've never been broken before, more angry then I've ever been. Having to put everything that passed into a sandwich baggie and head to the hospital for the second day in a row. I remember how busy the waiting room was, and kids were screaming and crying. I started crying at the sight of a pregnant mom, babies, any children at all. I remember them asking me why I was there and having to answer, "I miscarried my baby this morning."

I'm not trying to be gory or make this hard to read, I'm just pouring out how I felt and still feel. I will forever be so grateful for the week Shae and I shared knowing about our little secret. We were so unbelievably excited. It is crazy how fast things change, you have this amazing week of planning nurseries and gender reveals and talking about names and then morning comes and you go about your day like normal and there it is... the blood. To say the next few days were easy is an understatement. The fear of what is to come and not having any control to stop what is inevitable. Wanting to scream at your body to stop and just let things be okay, but not being able to do anything but wait and grieve and worst of all, let go.

July 9, 2016
To any of you who have gone through this, are going through this, or may go through this in the future, you are not alone. I promise you aren't. I remember feeling so alone because nobody around me had gone through it. Nobody talked about it. I felt like my husband wasn't understanding. The pain I was experiencing physically and emotionally was something I swear I could never bear again. But I promise you will get through it. You will.

To my first baby A,
I only wish you were here meeting me for the first time, being held by two parents who love you more than you will ever know. You gave me and your dad so much excitement and love in only a single week, but you will always continue to be loved. I love you so much and I can't wait to meet you one day.

I still have our announcement onesie in my nightstand along with the pregnancy test I took. I will keep this onesie forever and squeeze it tight whenever I pull it out. I used to look at it and only cry, but since then it has gotten me through some pretty tough days. So thank you. We will always love you.