On July 9th 2016, Shae and I found out we were expecting a bundle of joy. We were expecting a baby that was not exactly planned, but was so loved. There are no words to describe the excitement we felt about meeting our little ray of sunshine on March 14, 2017. We spent that weekend picking out announcement onesie's to send our parents, we went to several stores to look at gender neutral shoes, clothing items, etc. to announce our pregnancy publicly. We had dreams and ideas for boy or girl nurseries and we picked out names for each gender. I spent hours on Pinterest all week. The secret was absolutely killing us but we weren't about to ruin our surprise and tell our parents when we already ordered them the cutest onesie's saying "Grandma & Grandpa, I cannot wait to meet you! March 2017"

Just to have a picture of how things happened, here is a timeline of my experience:

My expected period was supposed to be July 4th. It never came. I kept expecting it to come because I was having continuous light period cramps. It went on for days and I just kept telling myself, "oh I'm getting cramps, it will be here any time!" I was in denial despite falling asleep on my lunch breaks, sleeping as soon as I got home and still going to bed early. On July 9th, after Shae and I took the dogs to the park, I finally got the nerve to take a pregnancy test. I went into the bathroom, while Shae cleaned up the kitchen. I read the directions very carefully and then I just went for it. I hurried up and put the cap back on, turned the test over and just paced the bathroom floor. I don't think there are words to describe the feeling you get before looking at a pregnancy test. It's something that is not describable. I finally gained the courage to turn it over, and sure enough, there was the one word that changed it all, "Pregnant."

Immediately, I started to cry! I was in so much shock and so excited and overwhelmed and the flood gates just opened! It was a feeling I will never forget. I finally got my composure together, and walked out to the kitchen to show Shae. He asked immediately as soon as he saw me and I told him to look for himself, but he could see the tears in my eyes and he already knew. He said "No way!!" Grabbed me and held me for what felt like forever and then all of the sudden we both were smiling and laughing! Just so excited and unsure of what to do next or what was next.

The rest of the day and the next day, Sunday, was perfect. We ordered onesies for our mom's from Maley Design's on Etsy for their announcement. We also order ourselves a a onesie for our public announcement. We ended up getting this one!


Two days later, on Monday the 11th, I woke up in the middle of the night with excruciating cramps for about 30 minutes. I couldn't find my heating pad and I wasn't about to take ibuprofen so I just tried to sleep through it. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but these cramps were pretty bad. I began to panic and googled my symptoms. I found that this could be normal and that it was probably my uterus stretching. I fell back asleep and woke up the next morning fine! Just to be sure, I took my other digital test - got another positive. All I remember is the happiness and excitment both Shae and I both felt. I had class this day, so I went. Right after, I went and took a blood test at the doctors and got the call later that day that I was in fact Pregnant! The next day on Tuesday, I felt great. Happy and excited. Impatient and wanting everyone to know. Wednesday the 13th, I felt terrible ALL day. My back was hurting, my body ached so bad, and it took everything in me to get through clinicals that day. I felt like I had the flu and it was terrible. I got home and crawled into bed and fell asleep for about 2 hours. I woke up absolutely freezing. I felt so terrible and didn't know what was going on. I didn't have a thermometer but I know without a doubt I was running a high fever. I didn't have any medication I could take so I just suffered through it. When it came time to sleep, I unbundled myself and slept in a big t-shirt, shorts and slept outside of the blankets to try and cool myself off.
Thursday the 14th, I woke up bright and early at 4:45am to get ready for clinicals. I felt great! I was so happy to be feeling better. As usual, I brushed my teeth and then I went to the bathroom. And. There. It. Was. - Blood. My heart sank to my feet.

The thoughts running through my head were unbearable. I could not miss clinicals so there was nothing I could do. I calmed myself down and thought to myself that this could be normal because I know some women experience bleeding in their first trimester. I just kept telling myself, "This does not mean the worst." I had no cramping, no other symptoms other than spotting. So far so good. I continued to bleed for the rest of the day but as the day progressed, it was getting lighter and lighter and by the end of the day there was barely any blood. I was feeling really positive at this point. That was until I woke up the next morning.

Friday the 15th, I woke up with my panty liner filled with blood. Much more than the day before but still not entirely an alarming amount. Again, I had clinicals and since I was still not experiencing any cramping, I went along with my day. Shae and I decided that if I was still bleeding the next morning (Saturday) then we would get up first thing in the morning and go to the hospital. I had in my mind red flags, red alerts and complete fear and panic but tried to stay as calm as possible. I was trying my hardest to think positively but I just KNEW something was wrong. I could feel it. I just refused to admit it. I couldn't bare to say the words out loud. But I knew.

Saturday the 16th, I woke up still bleeding. We immediately got up and went to the hospital. We were there by 8am and so I was seen rather quickly. They gave me an IV, got my stats & vitals, drew my blood and the doctor came and spoke with us. He was very upfront with us about how bleeding can be very normal for some women and other times, it can be a miscarriage. He told me he was going to perform a pelvic exam and that if there was any signs that my cervix was opened or there was clotting or pieces of tissue then he was going to rule it as a miscarriage. He did the pelvic exam. He said everything looked absolutely normal!! Oh the relief and happiness I felt was so amazing. He said there was some old blood but my cervix was closed and there were no clots or pieces of tissue. Shae and I were SO so relieved. We had a little peace of mind at this point. We were discharged and on our way we went.

But this relief didn't last long. We went to go get some lunch and this is when the cramping began and the panic really started to take affect. I was not experiencing any cramping prior to the hospital visit. It wasn't anything alarming but they were dull/light period cramps and as if the bleeding wasn't terrifying enough, I was now having another sign of a miscarriage. Shae's birthday BBQ/party was this night and I was determined to not make a huge deal out of this and let him enjoy his night. Not only was I going through this, but our mom's got their package with their onesie to announce our pregnancy. My mom was over the moon and was crying and so excited. I let her have her excitement before I had to tell her some worrying news. I called my brother, my grandma, my dad... Shae's family knew at this point. Everyone knew! And let me tell you, it was very hard to be as excited as everyone was when the fear was eating at me as well as the pain I was experiencing. I only wish we could have been as excited and enjoying the moment as much as they were when they found out but truthfully, I was crushed inside fearing the worst. As the night progressed, the bleeding was becoming more and more. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over but refused to say it out loud to anyone. I just couldn't do it. Then came the small clots. Complete panic set in. Trapped. I couldn't stop what was happening. There was nothing I could do.

Shae's BBQ began and I was glued to the couch on my heating pad to help with the pain of the cramps. As the night progressed, I would get one long excruciating cramp that would last for about 30 seconds and then it would pass. I'm assuming this was "labor" as my body was getting ready to pass the baby. I was a mess this entire night but put on a happy face for my husband and our friends. I spent the evening getting congratulated and while thanking everyone in actual words, I spent the evening knowing exactly what was happening but I just kept repeating in my head "this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!!!" I kept thinking "This can't happen to me! It can't!!" Shae passed out and everyone left around 3am. I was exhausted and so tired. I fell asleep and woke up about 2 hours later, went to the bathroom and passed a very, very large clot. That's when I knew. This is when I knew what had already happened. What was still happening. I crawled back into bed and fell back asleep, numb, knowing there was nothing I could do.

Sunday the 17th, I woke up and went to the bathroom only to find that I had miscarried my baby. I wrapped it on a piece of tissue to save it and then I broke down. I fell to my knees. I cried. I ugly cried. My heart shattered into one million pieces. I wanted to hit everything. I wanted to crawl in a ball and not move. It was over. All of it. Just gone. The rest of the day was a blur. We went to the hospital. More blood draws. Another pelvic exam. Lots of blood. Tears that wouldn't stop. Pieces of my heart that were still scattered on the floor. A constant ache in my chest. Waiting room. Telling several people at the hospital why I was there. "I miscarried this morning." Words I never ever wanted to say out loud. Screaming and crying kids made me cry. Seeing pregnant women made me cry. There are no words to describe this experience. Absolutely none.

Monday the 18th, I skipped class. I went to the hospital to get another blood draw to check my HCG levels. They dropped. A lot. Had to go to the OB clinic. Cried when I saw the happy couples expecting. They were all going for an ultrasound and I was there because I lost my baby. I was alone. The halls were quiet but my mind was racing. It was so damn loud. Again, a lot of it is a blur. I came home from the doctors, to a package on my doorstep. I knew what this package was. It was our baby onesie announcement.

I ugly cried again. I hugged the onesie. I held it over my stomach and cried. For a very long time. I went and laid down and cried some more. How could I possibly miss something and love something so much when I haven't even met him/her? I don't think I have ever missed anything as much as I missed this little one.

I miss our first Baby A so much. It has been a few months but it still hurts every single day. There are nights where I can't sleep and there are days and moments where I break down. There are times where I walk over to my pregnancy test and this baby onesie and just hold it tight. I stare at them both and wonder why and wonder the "what if's." I will never understand why my body was incapable of doing the one thing it was genetically made to do.

So many people do not know and I'm sure there are so many women and couples who have gone through the same thing but choose to not speak about it or tell people about it. Who knows if anyone will ever see this. Maybe nobody will. Maybe someone will stumble across this and realize that they are far from alone. You are not alone.